end of the year thoughts
tags: current life art
well. i haven’t touched my neocities website in a long time. but rereading the last journal entry really made me think…
first, i’m getting sick of teaching. i definitely have the hang of it after a year of experience (having taught three semesters in a row), but… maybe i should’ve lowered my expectations more than when i first began. teaching is not a respected nor respectable profession, especially on the community college level. life is too short to deal with bullshit that i’m paid so little for, so i’m planning to move on from this part-time no-benefits job.
moving on… moving on is something i struggled with for the whole past year.
because of events that happened last year, my fear of having my life demoted back to square one made me want to do a stand-and-observe approach with things. in other words, in a metaphorical sense, just hide behind the curtains, but stare outside for any signs of danger, and be untouchable… unless i must to engage.
but this year really made me reconsider the stand-and-observe approach. i realized that, no matter what i can do, because i physically exist and have a soul, that i’m forced to engage in situations willingly or unwillingly; i’m forced to exist willingly or unwillingly.
to be honest, i think i do a bad job at confrontations. i’m not gentle when scalded, and i’m not gentle even in situations that turn out to be lukewarm. but it’s only because those sorts of situations where i’m not gentle are at my lowest priority. when it comes to situations i care about, though… i think i do okay. not perfect, but good enough.
is it strange to admit that i’ve gained some confidence in living life more? i used to agonize and beat myself up for the things i’ve messed up on, regardless of personal intention. but… i think i’m more self-accepting of my own feelings behind the mishaps i do. maybe it has to do with realizing my own priorities, and realizing what suits me and what doesn’t.
maybe that’s just me growing up, i suppose. i still feel so fragile in this world, but i think i’m slowly emerging from my cocoon and learning not to be afraid of existing, of realizing myself as a person with feelings that i really can’t hold in.
art-wise, though… i think my motivation to continue in fandom has died, and —- i hadn’t realized —– has been dead for longer than i’ve thought. i can’t bring myself to post anything on my tumblr anymore. i think the politics with other fandom members really hampered my desire to participate in fandom. so i’m quietly quitting, for the time being. maybe when i feel like it, i’ll come back. (i’m not dead, of course —- just, not motivated enough to want to contribute my own interpretations anymore in a public or even semi-public setting.)
but that’s okay. i’m learning to enjoy being okay with self-indulgence, with the help of a friend or two. it’s important to have at least one friend celebrate that self-indulgence, just to not feel like i’m going crazy.
i had a lot of fun art-wise, i’ll say. this was something i should have mentioned earlier here on this blog, but i’ve dabbled into a bit of blender work (which you can see here and here) which i’m really proud of. i’ll have to give credit to crashsune for the very transparent run-through of building meshes, uv-mapping and textures, and rigging all in blender. doing something in another medium really does wonders in improving my style too! i now have a better sense of thinking in 3D whenever i draw, than i have before.
i suppose that’s all i have to say about my thoughts for this year. we shall see what will happen in the future!